We celebrate on the outside, but I do not feel happy inside. I feel like we are just going through the motions these days. I'm trying to do my part but I feel like Jeff is avoiding me - like he's pulling away. I'm not sure if I'm not showing enough faith or if this is what fate has dealt us. Jeff is still having difficulties with the seizures.
Last night at the Elder's Quorum pool party, Jeff dove off the high dive & apparently it jarred him to where he was "out of it" for a few minutes.
Jun 14th - The last one seemed to be a result of him "forgetting" his medication, it seems he was "dazed" at the ball game last week.
May 17th - He had left his medication at home when he went sailing with Norman in Jackson, MS. Norman said he thought Jeff had one then, too.
The Dilantin seems to control it because all the others happened before he started taking it. I've been keeping a log per doctor's orders.
March 22nd - while we were eating lunch after he'd helped Tony move the tiller/lawn mower.
March 20th - we were in the car & he almost rear ended a car at a stoplight & was incoherent for a bit.
March 9th - On the way home from the airport when we came home from the State Gymnastics meet.
There doesn't seem to be a pattern except that his behavior is similar with each seizure. There is a blank stare or daze, he smacks his lips, & then incoherent answers to questions when he starts to come around. Although they seem to last forever, I doubt they last any longer than 3-5 minutes & afterwards he's a bit disbelieving because he has no recollection of them. He says he never felt any different except once or twice complained of a headache.
The first three happened before he started the medication. The next two he had "forgotten" the Dilantin & the last we assume was a result of the impact of the water when he dove off the high dive because he had taken the medication the night before.
I am extremely frustrated. Jeff refuses to talk about it & forbids me to discuss it with anyone. He's afraid people won't understand it & treat him like a freak. And if anyone hears the word "seizure" they think "Epileptic." That may very well be true but I'm beginning to think that this is an unhealthy way to deal with the situation. I just want to be realistic & discuss all the possibilities so I won't be surprised if things don't get better as we hope they will. I think it is childish to pretend there isn't a problem. Pretending it isn't there will not make it go away! It may or may not clear up, but either case, it may take quite some time before we'll know for sure.
Jeff seems bitter & withdrawn. I understand that he feels the added responsibility of the head of the home & family. This has really put a dent in his ego or pride. He feels like an invalid when I insist on driving. It's almost degrading to him to be dependent on the medication & others for transportation. It's quite impossible for me to help him with those feelings if he refuses to talk about it.
The Bishop suggested Jeff receive another blessing. He said that healing blessings need to be specific. Jeff was administered to in the hospital & I'd hate for the Lord to think that we didn't have enough faith in the priesthood by suggesting another one. There may be a reason the Lord has allowed this whole experience? I don't actually feel that my prayers have been answered yet but I know the Lord hears me & is letting me get a grip on myself so I can be receptive to His answer. I'm comforted to know that I'm trying to live the gospel & do the things the Lord has asked me to do & by doing so, I know that the Lord will not let me down. And whatever the outcome is, Heavenly Father will help us to understand it & deal with it. Even if this problem does not go away, Heavenly Father will help us overcome it as a difficulty & endure all things.
